Qool Quotes and Quips...
It's as simple as Dr Seuss...

I do not like this Uncle Sam, I do not like his health care scam.
I do not like these dirty crooks, or how they lie and cook the books.
I do not like when Congress steals, I do not like their secret deals.
I do not like ex-speaker Nan, I do not like this 'YES WE CAN'.
I do not like this spending spree, I'm smart, I know that nothing's free.
I do not like their smug replies, when I complain about their lies.
I do not like this kind of hope. I do not like it. No, I don't.                                   --- (edited from post by a friend on facebook)
Substance IS style - unknown/various
My doctor warned me at my last check-up that Vodka & ice will ruin your kidneys. Rum & ice will ruin your liver. Whiskey & ice will ruin your heart. Gin & ice wil ruin your brain. And Pepsi & ice will ruin your teeth. So as Im driving home I have an epiphany; Ice is lethal. So please, for the sake of your health, drink your booze straight.                                                                                   --- (edited from post by a friend on facebook)
The great thing about being a cynic is I'm never disappointed - unknown/various
I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday....minding my own business, waiting for it to turn green. A carload of young, loud Muslims shouting anti American slogans stopped next to me. The light changed, the Muslims shook their fists, hit the gas and darted off ahead of me. Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding through and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man, that could have been me!"
So, today...bright and early, I went out and got me a job as a truck driver.  --- (from post by a friend on facebook)
Never be afraid to try something new. An amateur built the Ark; professionals built the Titanic. - unknown
Comparing Abraham Lincoln and Barack Obama:
Lincoln came from Illinois.
Obama comes from Illinois.
Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature.
Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.
Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President.
Obama had very little experience before becoming President.
Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.
Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.
Lincoln took the oath of office with his hand on the bible. Obama used the exact same bible from 1861.
Lincoln was not well regarded halfway thru his term. In the mid-term elections his party suffered heavy losses.
Obama was not well regarded halfway thru his term. In the mid-term elections his party suffered heavy losses.
Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
Lincoln served in the military. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
Lincoln never bowed to foreign kings. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
Lincoln defended and protected the US Constitution. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
Lincoln's birthday is well documented, and a holiday. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
Lincoln was was considered so honest he was nicknamed Honest Abe. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
Lincoln was highly respected by the end of his term. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
In a time of great turmoil Lincoln saved America. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing - Edmund Burke
A burglar broke into a house and was scoping the place with a flashlight when he heard a voice in the darkness, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked, the burglar scanned the room with his light and found a parrot in the corner.
"Was that you?" he asked.
"Yes" replied the parrot.
"And just who are you supposed to be, the watch parrot?"
"My name is Moses"
"What kind of idiot names their parrot Moses?"
"The same idiot that named their Rottweiler Jesus..."
Millions for charity, but not one cent in tribute - Robert Goodloe Harper
Two Irish men walked out of a bar. Hey!... it could happen.
To be prepared for war is one of the most effectual means of preserving peace - George Washington
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read the bible she was holding, replied to the total stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first... A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -  grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you clearly don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her bible.
Force shits on Reason’s back - Ben Franklin
Isn't it Ironic that Native Americans who bang sticks and pots together to ward off evil spirits are laughed at by Americans who honk their horns to break up traffic jams.
It's not paranoia if they really are out to get you - various, including Ozzy Osbourne
Don't fret if you get your words twisted. Dyslectics are teople poo.
It doesn't matter how many times you get knocked down, only how many times you get back up - Vince Lombardi
They that give up liberty to obtain temporary safety deserve neither - Ben Franklin
President Obama's limosuine was driving by one day and happened across a young girl sitting in her front lawn with a box in front of her and a sign that said "Free kittens to a good home.": The president smelled a photo op so he stopped.  "How old are they and what kind of kittens are those little girl" he asked, "Democrates or Republicans?"  The little girl answered "They're six weeks old, and Democrats."  "Ah, six weeks. Are their eyes opened yet" the President asked, posing as the cameras went crazy. "No sir" the little girl replied. "When their eyes open they'll be Libertarians or Tea Partiers."
If you procrastinate, you still choose - Incubus
Those who hammer their firearms into plows will plow for those who do not  - Thomas Jefferson
"Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." Barnhill, John Basil (1914). "Indictment of Socialism No. 3" (PDF). Barnhill-Tichenor Debate on Socialism. Saint Louis, Missouri: National Rip-Saw Publishing. pp. p. 34. Retrieved on 2008-10-16.
...and Thomas Jefferson ... who also said
  1. To compel a man to furnish funds for the propagation of ideas he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical
  2. He who knows nothing is closer to the truth than he whose mind is filled with falsehoods and errors
  3. The legitimate powers of government extend to such acts only as are injurious to others. But it does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods, or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.
  4. The majority, oppressing an individual, is guilty of a crime, abuses its strength, and by acting on the law of the strongest breaks up the foundations of society.
  5. In matters of style, swim with the current; In matters of principle, stand like a rock.
  6. The policy of the American government is to leave their citizens free, neither restraining nor aiding them in their pursuits.
.. more of his quotes here