French Jokes ..................(American Jokes below)...................................................(Home)
Feel free to submit any funny retaliatory American jokes. Humor is humor . . . what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Long live America, long live France, long live liberty and freedom.
The Top 10:
# 1
Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
A: Nobody knows. It's never been tried.
---Missouri Republican Rep. Roy Blunt
# 2
Q: Why are there so many tree-lined boulevards in France?
A: Germans like to march in the shade.
Q: Then why are the French chopping down the trees now?
A: The Arabs like to march in the sun.
# 3
Raise your right hand if you like the French....
Raise your left hand if you don't like the French....
If you are French just go ahead and raise both hands.
# 4
Q: What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A: The French army.
# 5
French Army tanks have five gears:  four in reverse, and one forwards
- in case the enemy attacks from the rear.
--- Jason Elbaum
# 6
France did send Inspector Clouseau to Iraq to help with the inspections. Know what he found?
-- 20 more votes for Al Gore.
# 7
Q: What would the French call a nuclear explosion in Paris?
A: Proof that more inspectors are needed.
# 8
Have you heard about the French kamikaze pilot? He's on his 23rd Mission!
# 9
"Going to war without France is like going duck hunting without your accordion."
---Jed Babbin, Undersecretary of Defense during the first Bush administration
# 10
Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.
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Honorable Mention:
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" --- Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right." --- Rush Limbaugh, Doctor of Democracy

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"
---Jay Leno

"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day
-- the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once"
---Missouri Republican Rep. Roy Blunt

French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin was applauded at the Security Council after he spoke out against U.S. war plans Friday. They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for terrorist attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, plastic, and a a white flag around the house.

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
--- Regis Philbin

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
---- Marge Simpson

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
--- General George S. Patton

"New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn't know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut." —Craig Kilborn

"In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education – anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda – and it's for Iraq. Maybe we could bring that here if it works out." —Jay Leno

"Some members of Congress are so upset with this thing with France that they want to impose trade sanctions against French products. They want to ban French products like Evian. And you thought Hollywood celebrities were against the war before....!"

In an interview with Dan Rather, Saddam has challenged President Bush to a live, televised debate. I think this would be fair, since English is a second language to both of them." —Jay Leno

"In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president." —Jay Leno

"According to military analysts, an invasion of Iraq by U.S. forces could cost between $20 and $50 billion. The Pentagon announced that it would offset those costs by referring to it as the Verizon Wireless/Pizza Hut War Against Iraq." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"More and more information coming out on Saddam Hussein. We now know that he has, like, 24 presidential palaces. Each one of these palaces of Saddam's has a dolphin pool and an amusement park. Well, if you didn't think this guy was creepy before — now he's starting to sound like Michael Jackson." —David Letterman

"More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy — he's one of their own." —Jay Leno

"Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news — they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel." —David Letterman

"President Bush said it's now time for a change in Iraq and he wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt, and Hussein wants his son to take over as president. Sounds like mission accomplished." —Jay Leno

"The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army." —Conan O'Brien

"Germany is now saying that they won't go along with an invasion of Iraq. However, they did say they would go along if the invasion included Poland, France and Belgium." —Jay Leno

"Bush said he wants a change so that the people of Iraq will be allowed to choose their own leaders. Good luck, we can't even get the people of Florida to choose their own leaders." —Jay Leno

"The New York Times is reporting that the Bush administration has a post-war plan to turn Iraq into a democracy. If the plan works it might be tried in Florida." —Conan O'Brien

"Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the 'Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting.' Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting." —Jon Stewart

“What is the difference between a road accident involving a hedgehog and a Frenchman? "There are skid marks before the hedgehog"

House Speaker Dennis Hastert is so angry at France for opposing White House policy on Iraq that he's proposed requiring orange warning labels on every bottle of imported French wine. Let's guess. The warning label will read, Just Two Glasses Could Make Dictators with Mustaches Appear Less Threatening Than They Really Are.
---Argus Hamilton

There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.' 



American Jokes
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The following is allegedly the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995, as released by the Chief of Naval Operations:
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
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So, these are trying times for all Americans, and no one is under more stress than George W. Bush. One late night he slipped into bed and said to himself, "This has been so difficult - and I'm under such stress. I wish there was a way to get some help. "Then he dreamed. In his dream, George Washington visited him. Dubya said to him, "Oh, George Washington! Please, tell me, do you have any advice for how to help me help America?" George Washington nodded and said, "You should promote unity, and patriotism, and uphold the common welfare." And Dubya thanked him and told him how nice it was to meet him, but he hadn't quite understood the words and he was a little disatisfied. So he dreampt some more, and this time, Thomas Jefferson visited him. "Oh, Thomas Jefferson!" Bush exlaimed. "Please, tell me, do you have any advice for how to help me help America?" Thomas Jefferson thought for a bit, and then said, "You should promote diversity, and the common man, and eschew political parties." And Dubya thanked him and told him how nice it was to meet him, but he hadn't quite understood the words and he was a little disatisfied. Finally, he dreampt again, and this time Abraham Lincoln came to visit him. "Oh, Abraham Lincoln!" Bush exlaimed. "Please, tell me, do you have any advice for how to help me help America?" Abraham Lincoln smiled. "Go see a play."
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Native Americans who bang sticks and pots together to ward off evil spirits are laughed at by Americans who honk their horns to break up traffic jams.
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A Frenchman asks an American, "Do you speak with a British accent?"
And the American says, "Of course not."
The Frenchman replies, "You're welcome."
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Al Gore and George Dubya Bush walk into a diner for breakfast and sit down. A waitress comes over, hands them menus and asks, "So, what would you like, boys?" Gore scans the menu briefly, and then orders, "Can I have some oatmeal and a glass of orange juice?"  "All righty. And how about you, sir?" the waitress asks Dubya. Dubya says, "Hey, can I have a quickie?" Shocked, the waitress slaps him across the face and storms off, much to Dubya's apprent confusion. When she's gone, Gore leans over, looks at Dubya's menu, and whispers, "It's pronounced quiche."
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Q: How do the US and the UK know Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?
A: They kept the receipts.
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The Canadian people wish to express to the American people that while we do not like President George W. Bush, we do not hold the American people responsible for his election. After all, it's not like most of you voted for him or anything.
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